When Animals Attack

You've seen these shows, right? Well, maybe this isn't quite as dramatic as that but it is fair to say that we've been getting up close and personal with nature recently.

Incident #1: Have you heard the world's dumbest country song..."I wanna check you for ticks" or something like that? If you love the song, I'm sorry. No, not sorry for offending you. Sorry for your incredible lack of good judgement.;-) Either way, our poor Nathan has been viciously attacked twice in 48 hours by these pesky parasites in the most undeserving of locations. eeeooww!

Incident #2: Just before going to bed last night Tim informs me that there is a spider in our bathroom vent (fan thingy) but not too worry, "he's much too big to get through the slats." I keep wondering if he actually thought I was going to be okay with that information. ??? So, I begin questioning which would be worse; facing the fear of a middle of the night potty run knowing that this creature could be hovering over my lap or the fear of my bladder exploding within my own body. I'm leaning toward the latter when I decide to investigate the situation for myself. There was definitely something up there. And it was big. And it wanted to be in our bathroom really badly. But upon closer examination it was no spider but a super-sized, steroid pumped, hypodermic needle for a stinger hornet.

We tried the obvious. Turn on the fan and he'll get sucked right out. Not this bad boy. Next we tried the who knows how old wasp and hornet spray. Works from 25 feet away! We poised ourselves in the door way, ready for a quick escape should he wedge through in his rage. Tim unleashed the power of the jet stream. It shot out like a wet noodle. I could've spit farther than that thing shot. Useless. We rummaged through the cabinet for an answer and at last chose a sure weapon from our arsenal also known as the bathroom cleaners. You'll never see this on a commercial but I'm telling you Clorox Bleach quick clean up spray is multi-purpose.

The first few squirts irritated him slightly. Ha! Major understatement. He was ticked. Then the fumes began to take over and he was subdued but not down for the count. Another good soaking and the battle was over. This morning Tim popped off the vent screen so we could see the true enormity of our foe. A monster, a beast as big as a horse. Don't believe me? See for yourself...

Incident #3: Mamoune bursts through the door shouting "Mom, there's a snake and it's going after Nathan!" Can you say adrenaline rush? I run through the house searching for shoes which seem necessary for protection. The best I can find are my steel-toed flip-flops. No good. Next I grab the machete and the extra long grill tongs. Please, I'm a professional -don't try this at home. I run down stairs to see Nathan glued to one spot and my daughter is now guiding me by standing halfway up the steps and saying, "he's down there somewhere." Oh, you mean down here as in anywhere within a two mile radius?! Thanks Mamoune.

Soon, I spot the slithering serpent. He's a reddish brown color which confuses me. We've caught earth snakes or worm snakes as they are often called but they were usually more gray than this guy. Unfortunately, crawling into the barn where my kids are playing and then having questionable coloring was not in his favor. I whacked with the machete and caught him about a third of the way back from his head. He tossed and coiled for a second but was otherwise incapacitated. It was at this point that I got a good look at his head and realized that he was in fact a harmless worm snake. I felt horrible. I scooped him up with the blade and put him on the concrete so I could end his suffering quickly. A quick chop to the neck did the trick.

Worm snakes, for those who don't know, are utterly and completely harmless. They eat earthworms and other insects. I won't post a picture because I am too ashamed. What can I say? In the future, I will attempt to accurately assess the danger level (within my ability) but ultimately, if it's between the snake and my kids -the snakes gotta go.

Isn't nature fun?!