Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Mommies are Allowed to Poop

Just in case you weren't clear on this point.

Should a twenty month old who decides for some unknown reason to start her day two hours earlier than usual rob a mom of the ability to poop in peace and privacy? I think not. I think a twenty month old who has plenty of books to look at, toys to play with, and a big brother to entertain her, should be otherwise unaffected by my need to escape to the bathroom for a few minutes. The twenty month old does not agree.

She believes that her right to be glued to Mommy's leg supersedes a moms right to poop...alone. She thinks my attempt at privacy is the perfect moment to scream at previously unreached decibel levels and to shake as though her entire body will explode if a distance greater than two feet passes between us. The probability of which seemed fairly low, though I must admit the dark and menacing side of me was willing to test the boundary just to see. Can you imagine that police report?

Officer: And so then, the child just exploded?

Me: Yep. I gotta tell you, I didn't think it would happen but I took one step toward the bathroom and BOOM, there she went.

Officer: Okay, just a couple more questions Mrs. Sexton.

Me: yeah, could you just uh, hold that thought. I really still need to poop.

Okay, I realize that there are places and people who don't have the luxury of indoor plumbing much less a good book to read while taking care of business. Maybe they just drop it right there in the field without a second thought as to who is watching. But I, like most of you, have been raised in a culture that builds special rooms, nice rooms with decorations, lighting, candles, and mirrors so that we can slough off our dead skin cells and dispose of bodily refuse like truly civilized people. It all seems a bit frivolous when you put it that way, doesn't it?

And yet, I have a highly developed sense of privileged justice which tells me that I deserve, no, have the right to, five minutes of solitude while maintaining regularity for my inner workings. Solitude meaning not having to hold conversations through a closed door, not having to scream threats at children who are taking advantage of the opportunity to disobey, and above all NOT having a twenty month old standing at my knees saying, "poopie, Mommy. Naaashty." yeah, I get that Bella. But you're killing the ambiance of the beautifully decorated room built for this purpose so shut up and get out kid. ;-)

I repeat. Mommies are allowed to poop.


Shaw6pak said...

OMG I was thinking of writing about this very thing today. Except I wasn't sure how readers would take it. Thanks for breaking the ice.

Okay - I sit down just open and book and the Joey alarm goes off. I have the yelling through the door conversation and just when I think it's over. He says "I'll wait for you here on your bed". So I was able to read one page --- one page twice. At this rate the book will take 277 days to finish. Give or take my regularity.


Jena Tager said...

If I only had your boldness :) Amie tks once again for the laugh. Hope u r well. X, Jena

Eve said...

Since we are taking requests - can we also petition for private showers and momentary phone calls?

Joanna Christmas said...

after this post, amie...i'm at a loss for words...unfortunately, my problem isn't my child...its my husband.

T and T Livesay said...



That is where you are wrong.

Mommies are NOT allowed to poop.

Sorry to be the bearer of such bad news.

Tess said...

In a public restroom I (was very YOUNG) said to my mom in the stall:

ME:"Mom....what are you doing?!? Are you POOPING?!"

MOM: Dirty look

She's still not over it. Reminds me constantly that she can't WAIT until my kids pay me back!

Tess said...

PS...If you don't have it buy the childrens book Five Minutes Peace.